When They Asked Me

You know what’s the saddest thing when I go to hospitals? 

When they asked me 

“sino kasama mo?” 

“bakit wala ka kasama?” 

Deep inside i just want to cry. I want to run. 

Narealize ko ngayon lang na hindi ako takot mag ask ng help sa others however the hardest thing was the rejection when i asked for help.

“busy ako”

“may pasok ako”

“kakaoff ko lang ng work sorry beh”

“sorry be malayo ako di kita masasamahan pero im here for u”

I hate it. I fucking hate it. I dont like it. I will misunderstood it. I will cry for it. I will overthink it. And i will be on my self pity state when that happen to me again.

I am prone on “self pity” stage. That’s my fucking weakness. I tend to self pity on everything. 

So sad. I wanna die. But I dont want to die on hospitals. I dont like going on hospitals. I fucking dont like going there. That’s the first place i dont want to visit. 

An UPDATE!

Hi there! Just a random entry for today. Namiss ko kasi pagsusulat eh. Good news pala! I'm at my 4th month here in our company. Do you remember the last entry that I wrote before? I thought end ko na nun but yess luckily ( eventhough I  don't believe in luck) I survived. Evaluation pa more haha. Kakaiba din kasi pag evaluation month syempre mapapatalsik ka sa bahay ni kuya diba? Kaya sino ba gusto na mawalan ng trabaho, syempre wala. So ayun nga ' getting stronger and stronger' hehe.

Update din pala, I am not an agent anymore. yippie. Yung work ko is inline na sa course na tinapos ko. Nakakatuwa din na inline sya diba. Nagagamit ko kahit papaano yung analytical and management knowledge ko (taray meron pala ako nun haha).  So I am in my 1 month as a Workforce Analyst. I like it. Maganda rin naman maging agent but syempre gusto ko kasi nagagamit ko yung utak ko for better purposes and kawawa na yung boses ko e *insert sad reacts*. Ayun nga, sana maging mas better pa ako.

There's a time na nagkamali ako ng pag-gawa ng report and syempre kinabahan ako. Actually that day din kasi masama na pakiramdam ko. you know female thing. Malikot tapos masakit pa ang puson kaya siguro tlaga yung big mistakes ko nun ay dahil dun. Pero I admitted talaga na it's my fault. That day I also receive an email coming from my Supervisor na "I made a mistake" but she also point that "we are human after all" kaya sometimes we make mistakes talga na di natin sinasadya. That melts my heart. Really.

So ayun lang update ko lang buhay ko haha. Short entry lang. Net time ulet.

October 19 2019

9:50 PM

Posted :

October 28 2019

2:23 AM

COLLECT your SOLUTIONS

Collecting memories, collecting dreams, collect everything so that you have a SOLUTION in your problems. 

It's so hard to know that there's no permanent in this world. Family, fiends and work are not permanent. Hindi sila permanente. Nawawala din sila. Hindi sila pang lifetime eh. 

I've sharing this thing to all of you now because I'm so sad. I am doing my best right now para di matanggal. I'm also doing my best in my evaluations and so sad lang dahil wala akong assurance. Gusto ko talaga magstay dahil sa maraming factors. One is hindi sya stress work for me. You know what I mean? parang easy lang. Di naman sa mayabang ako or what ah but easy thing lang sya hindi sya "nakakasakit sa ulo" mga ganun. Kaya gusto ko mag-stay. Masaya naman ako. Masaya ako. 

Second thing is yung byahe. Wala pa sigurong 15 mins andun na ako. Diba? Amazing. Sino ba naman ang gustong maipit sa EDSA? Traffic palang sinusukuan na. Kaya so happy ako dahil dyan lang sa tabi-tabi work ko. Di stress. Makakatulog ng maaga ganurn.

Third important thing is hindi kasi ako pwede mawalan ng trabaho. Im the breadwinner of the family. Kapag nawalan ako ng trabaho, kawawa family ko. Pambayad sa bahay, kuryente wala na. Kaya kailangan ko trabaho. Kahit minimum pa yan basta nakakasupport sa family ko keri na.

Kaya ayun nalulungkot ako kasi hahatulan na ata kami bukas. I'm praying na sana makapasa ako. Kahit extend pa training or ganun lang ang sahod ko wapakels. Basta dun lang. Mas maganda if ma PROBI diba. Surebol na kahit hindi lol.

Wala lang. Share ko lang para may mabato ako patalikod sa future na may ganto pala ako kadramahan sa trabaho haha.

Pero what if lang ah. WHAT IF. What if kung matanggal ako, ano ba mamimiss ko? Syempre MADAMI.

Una kong mamimiss yung biometrics. HAHAAHAH syempre yun ang dahilan kung bakit ako sumasahod eh. AHAHAHA kaloka wala lang mamimiss ko yung pagtype ko ng "BOC" tapos pagbio ko sa kaliwa kong thumbnail or index finger. Mamimiss ko yung error na salita nyang " ACCESS DENIED". Ganurn! ahaha.

Next na mamimiss ko is yung ORASAN malapit sa guard desk AHAHAHAH. Wala lang lagi ko kasi syang tinitignan. Ewan ko feeling ko may chemistry kami. Ganurn! AHAHAH.Bago ako magbio tinitignan ko muna sa orasan na yun kung late na ba ako or hindi ganun hahaha. Nakakamisss tuloy sya :(

Next one is LOCKER. Hihihihi ewan ko feeling student ako na may locker haha xD Thanks to ate Des kasi hati kami sa locker. Tapos binigyan nya din ako spare key :) Wala lang mamimiss ko yung locker na yun na kulay orange. Pinaglalagyan ko yun palagi ng notes at Headset ko iih.

Syempre makakalimutan ko ba yung SANITIZER? syempre hindi. AHHAHAHA feeling ko sa isang araw, isang bote na ng sanitizer yung nauubos ko ganurn! AHAHAHAH chareng. Alam nyo naman kung gaano kapasmado kamay ko at minsan kasi di rin nakikisama si Biometrics kaya ayun nandun sya malapit sa Bio. Maraming Sanitizer sa CS. Bawat CR katabi nun Sanitizer hihi. Yun din pinapampahid ko kapag yung ginagamit kong mouse ay may tira tira pang libag(yakkkkk! ) HAAHAHA. Iba- iba kasi station namin di kami may sariling station ganun. Wala kami permanent cubicle. ( pati ba naman cubicle di permanent :( ) AHAHAHA ayun kaya minsan di maiwasan, syempre 9 hours andun nagki click hahaha kaya minsan may naiiwang bahid AHSHAAHAH.

Ano next? Syempre yung breakroom. Mamimiss ko yung orange na sofa tapos syempre yung "honest" canteen HAAHAHA. wala lang hahaha honest daw  eh. Sya nga di naging honest e! Walang ganun pwe! bitter amp xD. Mamimiss ko din sa breakroom yung palibre nilang "pa-internet" kahit miminsan ko lang magamit yun haha xD minsan kasi wala net ihhh. Tapos syempre yung amazing"OVEN " hahahah cute kasi kapag tamad ako magluto nagbabaon lang ako pancit canton tapos ayun oven oven na lang may pang lunch na hihi. Syempre di mawawala yung FLAT SCREEN TV hahaha kaso di ko feel haha di naman ako enjoy manood ihh.

Syempre mamimiss ko din yung mabangong CR haha. Cute ng CR may whole body na salamit tapos may tubig din hahaha xD Charot! xD mamimiss ko yung CR kasi dun ako lagi nag-aayos eh. Malamang haha.

Yung mga rooms sa CS. Yung berkley kung saan dun kami nagclass at trinain sa paggamit ng xavier. Syepre sa floor kung saan kami nahasa kumausap ng tao at mag order taking. 

Mamimiss ko rin sympre mga colleagues ko and my TMs. :( Si guard na kumakapkap sa akin at si kuyang guard nung trainee days ko.

Pero i will believe no I believe na mag stay ako ng matagal.  I will do my best. I will create my future and give solutions. 

Goodnight. Adjourned. 

July 18 2019 11:55 PM 

All they can give, They give!

Lately, I am so stressed again but I'm trying to be strong for my family. Now that I'm finished in the phase of being a student, I do have a big responsibility to them. But sadly , one month have passed staying here in our new house,I felt that there had a wrong decision.Really. I regret the decision my father made to stay near our relatives and transfer here but I don't want to blame him because I saw how he dedicated and persistent to support and take care his siblings -us. I know sometimes he is tired but he's trying to find a way to pay the bills we have. Water bills, Electrical bills, House rent and some debt he has. He can't do it only by himself and only by his scanty salary.I feel sorry to him because as of now I am an unemployed person who's looking for a job and I can't help him. So I don't have any rights to scold him or to have a grudge on him. I appreciate all he do for us and I am very thankful. 

Nararamdaman ko na nung lumipat kami dito, bumabalik kami sa dati naming buhay. Na we don't have any food to it nor things we need to use. So that's why I feel so sad but sobrang pinipilit kong magpakatatag. I always pray to Jehovah to help us and to guide us at 'di nya ako binibigo. Hindi nya binibigo ang mga lingkod nya. 

Wala man kaming natatanggap na tulong sa mga kamag-anak namin dahil alam ko pareparehas kaming naghihirap pero sa tulong ni Jehovah nakaka survive kami. Yung pagpapala nya ramdam ko araw-araw. At naaalala ko si Mama. Ayaw kong umiyak pero naiiyak ako ngayon kasi nararamdaman ko talaga tulong ni Jehova. Nandiyan si April, si Mame Cha, mga kapatid para tulungan ako, kami.

Grabe 'di ko expect ito but pinagpala ako. Araw- araw. 

I remember this bible verse : 

"So never be anxious about the next day, for the next day will have its own anxieties. Each day has enough of its own troubles." (Matthew 6:34)

and I know Jehovah will provide me what I need.

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you.

Do not be anxious, for I am your God.

I will fortify you, yes, I will help you,

I will really hold on to you with my right hand of righteousness." (Isaiah 41:10)

P.S. I tried to speak english hahhaah xD pasensya na sa grammar. I'm trying hehehe. 

Missing Mama

I don't know why I am unhappy right now. I can't help myself not to cry. Kulang na kulang talaga ako. You know, I feel like Im not full. I think I just missed my mother so much. I love her and sobrang ka- sad lang dahil wala sya sa graduation ng kapatid ko lalo na sa graduation ko. She is so very very nice to me and I know she loves me so much. And it makes me cry like now. Grabe sobrang umiiyak ako habang nagta type. She's my inspiration to continue din to study eh. She told me to continue studying, balik ako sa pag-aaral.  Im so sad im so sad right now. Di ko alam baka sa graduation ko sobrang iiyak talaga ako. I know she is so proud for the two of us na we continue to fight without her. 

( picture namin pala ni mama when she attended my recognition day when  I was 1st year highschool hehe. Top 4 kasi ako nun pero section 2 haha. Best moments ko yan noong highschool :)) ) 

I hate scrolling fb talga tuwing march- april before. I don't want to see post about graduations kasi eh. But now, I hate it parin. Not that because of graduation posts but I hate seeing post of parents how proud they are to their sons and daughters. I can't help myself be envious. I'm so envy to them. Bitter right? haha. Alam ko if mama is here, she's proud to us and she will also post to her sns account about how she is proud to us too. But walang ganun na eh. Wala na sya. Nakakapanghinayang. 

Anyways, I need myself to calm down. 

Mama, I will fulfill what you want for us and also what Jehovah want for us. See you in paradise. I love you mama :) Saranghae. Nomu nomu.

SACRIFICES FOR NOTHING

Saturday Feb 9 2019

6:02 pm

Its just that my sacrifices yesterday are all wasted. Starts with that Venn. Ang lungkot sobra sobra dahil I did a lot of time sacrifices. I don't attend meetings, I didn't review and I didn't sleep the whole night. I know it's my fault, it's our fault. Deadline is deadline. 

I am deeply sad and hurt kasi kahit may minus di nya tinanggap. Nalulungkot lang talaga ako sobra. At kanina at that time, when she reject the project, my tears silently fell down. Syempre kahit papaano pinaghirapan ko yun. Mahirap yung project lalo na kung di ka naman talaga programmer na programmer. Mahirap din kung walang tumutulong sayo then groupings yung project. 

Masama, masakit , malungkot talaga. Nanghihinayang kasi ako sa project. Sayang talaga. And I do believe na she's a kind professor eh :( Alam ko mabait sya pero ganun pala sya sa deadline T_T. Haysss ang wasted. Nakakalungkot lang talaga sobra. 

I admit, kasalanan ko talaga, Pero nalulungkot lang ako. Im not into the Prof. I'm at the sacrifices and decisions that I do for nothing. And project kasi yun. PROJECT. Naiisip ko palang naluluha na ako. Di ako nakapagpasa ng project T_T. 

Lesson that I learned for today is to be responsible sa time and schedule. Yun lang. Sorry sorry po if nagpost ako ng ganito huhuhu

The Right Path

 What is my strongest enemy? My Emotions. My emotions conquer my thoughts, and it leads to negative thinking. Kaya nakakasama ito sa akin. I have my biggest problem and that is how can I fight this emotion of mine. It drives me crazy. Kulang nalang ay mag suicide ako para matapos na ito. Pero hindi ito ang solusyon. Sabi ni Kuya Berns, ang problema ay problema parin. Nababata lang natin ito pero hindi natin ito masusulusyunan. 

 I have these emotional problem in my friends. Im thinking that hindi sila makakabuti sa akin kaya mas maganda ng umiwas. But I was wrong. Hindi solusyon ang pag-iwas. Nadadamay kasi sa pag-iwas ko ang relasyon ko kay Jehovah God. Mali iyon. Lagi kong naririnig ang mga payo na ito " You can't please others". "Kay Jah ka naman naglilingkod" Tama at napapaisip isip ako. 

 Malaking tulong sa akin ang aking budhi. Hindi ko nakakalimutan ang mga spiritual things. Laging ito ang nasa isip ko. Pero di ako kumikilos. Doon ako nagkukulang. Malungkot ako dahil sa sarili ko. Malungkot ako kasi pinapairal ko ang emosyon ko -  Ang negatibong emosyon ko.

 Alam kong hindi ako close kay Jehovah. Lalo na at di ko magawang manalangin ng patuloy. Pero sinusubukan ko. Alam kong sya at sya lang makakatulong sa akin sa lahat ng tatahakin ko. I know that Jehovah God will guide me. 

 I prayed. I prayed soulfully. And I think I found answers. Alam ko na hindi mabilis ang paggawa ng action and it takes time. But I will wait. I will take it slowly but surely.

 As of now, I don't think that Im okay. I have many flaws. Im struggling to my greatest procrastination and the pressure and time I spent on schooling. It's a big factor tho thankfully I'm graduating this 2019.

 I will lead to a right path. And Jehovah God will be liking it. Psalm 37:5 said that "Commit your way to Jehovah; Rely on him, and he will act in your behalf." He will help me. Surely be.